clare
Monday, March 31, 2003
 
hey! i found the gay agenda! it's in my basement, right next to a folder labeled "liberal bias in the media."

talk about black holes

i've been reading some Douglas Adams; i'm up to "life, the universe, and everything" in the huge five-novel volume mel & i picked up from (the now employee-owned) bookland. i'm amused, but i can't help but notice that almost all of the main characters are men, and the creatures depicted as the most intelligent (or dangerous) are described as being light-skinned (not to mention the lack of queer anything...but that's a different story). go british colonialism, huh? and, no, i can't turn off my radar for these things. there's no such thing as objectivity, anyway; what i mean by that is that nothing exists in some kind of value-free plane where it may be judged as "good" or "bad" art/writing/whathaveyou. everything is located in some kind of context, and, in the context of late-20th century western literature, when those books were written, it means something that all of the main characters are men... i could go on, but i sense redundancy on the horizon...

why are people so stupid? i mean, don't get me wrong, i'm not claiming to be any kind of mensa genius myself by really *any* stretch of the imagination, but why is it so hard for folks to stop and think? i've made the mistake of visiting a couple of right-wing websites lately, one of which is shethinks.org, essentially the right's rather poorly articulated and poorly argued answer to what they call "feminism." have they done their research? no. have they read their own history, even? of course not! and speaking of folks who haven't even come close to a library, really, like, ever, not to mention never even glanced over the cover of a history book, i briefly perused some boy's blog about how the left is to blame for...everything? and he didn't even articulate what the left was... but i'm not going to get angry. no. i'm just going to do my work.

one thing i was pondering in the shower yesterday, though: interesting how the religious right attempts to claim the moral high ground but also seems to be the most gung-ho for war. what is it...number six that says something like "you shall not commit murder." loosely translated from the original arabic, of course... but, correct me if i'm wrong, but isn't it a sin to kill? and forgive me, i might have been zoning during this part of ccd, but isn't it a slightly larger sin to kill than to, say, "take the name of the Lord your God in vain?" or even commit adultery? and why aren't the family values folks inveighing against this war as loudly as they have against, say, homosexuality or divorce? hmmm...

i'm listening to "dark dear heart" too.

but BLAAAGHGHLSOIDHP! i'm done with bothering myself with irrational right-wingers. it's just not worth it.

moving on, i was also thinking yesterday that there's something... peaceful... about having a kitty. they don't care about your political affiliation, your hair, your weight, or whether or not you have any clean underwear left. they see a lap, they go for it, and they purr. something about the unconditional love that happens in a relationship with an animal is so appealing to me right now. i wonder if it has to do with the war.

and i'm not one of those cat people who thinks my kitties are people. they're kitties, and they definitely have personalities--anyone who's lived with a cat for more than a day will concur, i'm sure. but, without question, my kitties add another dimension to my life to which i've sortof become accustomed at this point. something about the lack of judgment. something about the accepting, the sheer enjoyment of things. like, "ooo! a twist tie!" and "yay! a person to scratch my head!" something about the humor. something about the simultaneous presence and lack of mutual understanding, and the knowledge that there are some aspects of my cats' lives i'll never fully comprehend. and that's ok.

i think that everyone in the world has a right to the following things, above and beyond the bill of rights (except the 2nd amendment... ugh) in no particular order:
*a safe place to live, i.e. a home
*adequate nutrition
*access to nature, including plants and animals
*meaningful employment
*the ability to decide the course of one's life (integrity)
*the ability to actively decide what happens in one's community (democracy)

the more i live, the more questions i have about the world, the fewer answers i seem able to find.

what does it all mean? wish i had found a two-way radio.

i wrote a very pessimistic song a few months ago. it's running through my head a little right now:

oh, there's no
place to go
when you're troubled
when you're low
oh, there's no
place to go
when you're troubled
when you're down

oh, there's no
place for sleepin'
and there's no
bed to weep in
there is no
place to go
when you're troubled
when you're down

oh, there's no
place that's shinin'
and there's no
silver linin'
there is no
place to go
when you're troubled
when you're down
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

there was more to it than that, but that's all i remember right now.

it has been snowing up here a bit. i have this fear that the past few weeks have been all that we'll experience of spring, summer, and fall, and that we're about ready to launch right back into winter. ::shudder::

right about this time of year, i get a little... i don't know... nostalgic? that's not quite the descriptor i'm fishing for in my head, but anyway... i have this feeling about my hometown, north dighton [note: i just went on a bit of a search for some comprehensive page on north dighton and found just short of squat. maybe someday, someone with more web experience than i will build a decent north dighton community page. not that anyone will necessarily use it, but it would be neat. here's some gov info about dighton, though.] i start thinkin' about the folks i knew, and even a few i didn't know too well but wish i had known better, and i wonder where they are. like the woman who turned out to be a dyke, like me, and who, last i'd heard, was a firefighter in providence. i didn't know her too well, but, oddly, i think about her a lot, more as a metaphor for what lies behind the surface of a place like north dighton, i guess, than anything else. maybe that's impersonal and bad, but some folks just sum up how you're feeling about a place. and i think about jared sometimes--god forbid he actually drop me a line and let me know what he's up to these days, but whatev--and rachel. tiff. even brandy. mostly, i try to imagine what they're doing right now, and i hope they're happy.

part of me doesn't want to know what they're doing because i'm afraid... of what? of something. that they're stuck in a rut in life and totally unhappy. that they'd be upset to find out that i'm queer. that they weren't the folks i thought they were. that my memories--the good and the bad--are somehow unfounded and wrong.

around this time of year, i find myself torn between calling the phone numbers i still remember and hunting folks down and letting the proverbial sleeping dogs snooze. i guess i'm just concerned that the dog that looks like it's sleeping has actually passed away.

***********************

ok, really, i'm not feeling all that depressed right now. just a twinge of melancholy, and it mostly has to do with the weather.

"and so it goes, and so it goes. and you're the only one who knows." --billy joel

there are some photos of dighton proper . i can identify where most of them are located, although i'm not entirely sure what that means. the high school doesn't look like that anymore, though. there's some massive constructifying going on these days.

i'll be going home soon. that's rather cryptic--i mean, i'm going to my brunswick home soon because it's almost time for me to leave for the day.

phew! gotta get out of this frame of mind i'm in...
15:15
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Wednesday, March 26, 2003
 
and a blog from a person in Iraq
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quick note: a neat resource on Iraq
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sadly, i won't be able to be writing in this thing as much as i have in the past weeks. i don't really get access to my blogger account at my temp job, and i'm fairly busy at my bo-bo one. oh well. i'm starting to keep a journal of my experiences at idexx, though. maybe i'll post some of those thoughts in the future.

one observation, though: i parked yesterday behind a large-ish truck that had the following bumper sticker on its right rear bumper:
"ted kennedy has killed more people with his car than i have with my banned assault rifle"

yep. that's right up there with "if you don't like logging, try using plastic toilet paper." neither of these little quips make any logical sense, when you think about them for more than the two seconds most folks apply to bumper sticker commentaries.

we here in our little bubble are trying not to think to much or too heavily about "the war" these days. it sounds pretty whiny to say that, i know, given the fact that we're not the ones being bombed, but we have to get on with our work. by the by, ann has some great commentary on this whole state of affairs.

i wrote the following note to a friend of mine, who's currently teaching in Beirut:
"hi!

i've been thinking about you a bit these days. you know, to most 'americans'' eyes, Beirut would be a scary place right now, given its relative proximity to 'Operation Iraqi Freedom' as it seems to be panning out. it sounds like you're fairly safe, though, and i'm sure you're taking care of yourself.

as i'm sure you've guessed, i've been one of those sometimes ridiculous american peaceniks who's protesting left and right. it's a little sad, actually, and more than a bit maddening that this whole 'war' process has taken place with so little involvement on the part of the american public. i won't go into too much detail because i don't think it's particularly worth it right now, but i'm a little bit concerned about the international order from here on in--especially the UN. i get the sense that, even though i haven't talked to many non-americans about all of this 'war' mess, Bush and, by extension, america has done a very, very bad thing in pushing this war against the wishes of the majority of the international community. i imagine america is being viewed as a huge-ass bully, which is what it has become, at this point. what makes me a little sad is what i'm perceiving as the failed project of america--you know, the american dream, not to make tons of money & have a house in the suburbs with an SUV and 2.5 kids, but to achieve a truly diverse, equal, and democratic society with real opportunities for folks no matter what your economic, political, personal background.

and i feel like that vision is going rapidly down the shitter. when did i become such a flag-waver?

anyhow, i've been thinking about you because, of course, i'm worried a bit about your safety, but also because i've been wondering what your perspective on all of this is--as an american who doesn't look like 'an american' is perceived to look (e.g. not white and blonde). really, i'd be glad if you didn't have to think about it at all, but i feel like these crummy events profoundly affect the way the world goes around these days. i have to say that i particularly appreciate your updates--it's great to hear about life somewhere else, through someone else's eyes, and about how all of this stuff is interpreted in places other than where i'm at--primarily white, suburban america. so, i guess i'm not really saying or asking anything in particular. just wanted to get a couple of thoughts out to you and a little hope that everything is well with you and that this war bullshit will be over soon.

take care of yourself! and keep the news comin'. : )"

now that i think about it, i'm not sure what i was trying to say in that note. but that's ok. it really is good to get this friend's perspective on things because i do live in a fairly closed environment.

i've been thinking a lot about the concept of a "comfort zone," perhaps best articulated and discussed by folks at the Posse Foundation. i feel that most americans--probably most people in the world--try as hard as they can to stay as much in their comfort zone as possible. actually, i do think that there's a difference between most americans and folks in other places in the world. that is to say that most americans (not all by any stretch of the imagination, of course, but most) have the *ability* (really, the access, the privilege) to experience a wide variety of potentially uncomfortable but life-changing perspectives on things ("things"=the world, current events, cultures, whathaveyou). i think that folks elsewhere in the world would love to be able to share an e-mail dialogue or a phone call with someone from another part of the world, or at least learn about people from a variety of places. i think most people have an innate curiosity about the world around them, but many americans seem particularly intent on staying in their comfort zones.

for example, one of the things i really loathe about working at idexx is the fact that no one seems to be honestly expressing anything at any time. conversations are limited strictly to the weather, children, TV programs, and a few unavoidable current events (like "the war."). part of this comes from a fear of "offending"--the whole PC debate. corporations have gotten into a lot of trouble over issues of sexual harassment and, to a lesser extent, cultural ignorance (read: racism), so their solution is to not talk at all.

i really think that folks should just come clean about how they really feel. i mean, jesus, if someone's uncomfortable around me because they know i'm queer, then i wish they'd say so. then, at least, we'd have a starting place--we can talk about why folks feel the way they do, get to a place where we can either work toward un-learning racist, sexist, and heterosexist behaviors or at least agree to disagree.

so, maybe i'll start: as a white person who's been taught to be hyper-aware of my own perspectives, i have trouble talking about race because i'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. but if i avoid saying the "wrong thing," how will i ever start to un-learn the things that perpetuate racism...

gotta go. more later, though, i promise
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Thursday, March 20, 2003
 
on the morning of the war, i went for a run.

truth be told, it wasn't much of a run, because i've never "gone for a run" per se in my life. it was more of a "run for a while, get really tired, walk really fast instead" type of dealie.

on the day of the war, it's cloudy here on the east coast of the u.s. and i'm not feeling like the u.s. represents "us" so much. but anyway.

i've been listening to ani difranco's song serpentine from her latest album, evolve, and it's making me feel less like screaming.

we're here. and i can't help but feel a little bit put out after it all. granted that i personally haven't put myself in harm's way or done as much as i should have, but i've stood up in my own small way, as have millions of others across the country. and what has it gotten us? a bit of media coverage, perhaps. the biggest fucking protest since the civil rights movement (and, in terms of sheer numbers, EVER) and it receives barely a blip on politicians' radar screens. pardon me for being a little pessimistic about the chances for democracy.

proponents of the war like to say that it's great that protesters are allowed to express their opinion--hey, that's what america is for, right? sure, yeah, thanks for the little pat on the head. and, no, now i'm not going to go away and be a good little liberal freak. the truth is that most people in this country haven't been in favor of war the way it's been done. and i like to think that most people wouldn't be in favor of the war at all if they were supplied with accurate and complete information. not that i'm a conspiracy theorist, but i certainly find a few aspects of the way things turned out suspicious.

for example, how is it that, despite a majority of polls that indicated that most americans favored war only with the consent of the UN, this administration has gone ahead anyway? and declared the UN "irrelevant." i agree with a commentator on npr yesterday who said that these actions set a dangerous precedent for future actions by UN members and non-members alike. i can see it now:

China: but Taiwan has weapons of mass destruction--the u.s. invaded Iraq to pre-empt the use of these weapons, why can't we?

Israel: Palestinians are all terrorists. [insert ethnic cleansing tactics here]

and what legitimacy does the u.s. have now? "oh, sorry, you must do as we say, not as we do..."

i have the sinking feeling that our little experiment of hierarched military-industrial capitalism, the u.s. Hegemon, has reached its peak. we may be pulling a Leo Dicaprio ("i'm on top of the world!") for a decade or so, but i don't think the world's gonna stand for this shee-at.

and, quite frankly, neither will i.

which is why i'll be joining my fellow folks marching down maine street in just over an hour. one of my co-workers at idexx today said that he thought the anti-war protesters should just stop now and be respectful of... something. um, HELL NO. i respect the democratic process too much to quit now.

pro-war folk also like to say that anti-war protesters are disrespecting "our troops." oh, gee, sorry, i just thought it might be nice to have them back alive. didn't mean to be disrespectful, there.

and i have a proposal: how about we put all of the troops who are so gung-ho to (in the words of Arlo Guthrie's "Alice's Restaurant") "kill KILL KILL" in a room, divide them into two sides--the red shirts and the blue shirts--and let them have at it.

i'm not naive enough to believe that everyone in the u.s. military is interested only in killing. i do believe that most folk truly want to do right by the world. the military is an interesting phenomenon. are the rich folks signing their lives away "for their country?" you ask anyone who's pro-war why they're not in Iraq right now and see what they say.

but i would like someone--anyone, really--to explain to me how fighting this war will make the world safer.

ok, ok. if you're looking for a cogent article on why this war is wrong, check out this editorial from The Nation. i'm not going to rehash arguments that are far better made by someone who is not myself.

so, where does this leave us?

i was running this morning on a little paved path that snakes along the western side of rte. 1. i found myself staring mostly at the river-side of the path because it was beautiful--river flowing, trees growing, and all of that. after a while, i wanted to turn my head. the alternative view was, of course, the highway, with angry-looking people in angry-sounding cars zipping by.

i think that most folks simply ignore the ugly-looking stuff because they think they're saving their eyes. they say it's a kind of freedom to be able to look at all of the beautiful things in the river--how much choice we have! we can pick from among trees, rocks, water, and bridges to view as we walk along. the problem is that that's not the whole picture, and i would venture that the invisible pollution spewed by the cars is not so good for our lungs.

what kind of freedom is it, seeing only one side of the picture? it's easier on the eyes for a while, but is it honest?

and what chemicals are pumped into our bodies while we're looking the other way?

************************
p.s. to adam: why do i care? because it's the goddamn right thing to do. why should the religious Right claim all of the moral high ground? i'm feel righteous in taking a stand in what i believe. sure, it's the "american" thing to do--it's my patriotic duty as an american to question the actions of my government, to voice my opinion, and to make sure i'm engaged and participating in shaping the world. but what kind of world order has been achieved when one country gets to decide all by itself what counts as right and wrong? what kind of democracy is led by what is, for all intents and purposes, merely an oligarchy? what kind of peace is promoted when one country is busy saying "peace, equality, justice" while getting busy doing the exact opposite? you know this stuff, and you'll do what you have to do, i'm sure. but, for me, doing the work is important. ani sings:
"capitalism is the devil's wet dream
so just give me my judy garland drugs
and let me get back to work
cuz the empire state building
is the tallest building in new york" ("serpentine")

and i might not be doing much of anything, it's true. but i don't know how anyone can sleep at night knowing that the system's all fucked up and not doing anything about it.

there's another side to this, though. how do you not get caught up in the misery? i feel like i'm getting increasingly pessimistic about things, but that doesn't help anyone. i'm trying to hold on to a vision of something better. and, sometimes, i see this vision in action. it's in the resolute foreheads of the protesters and the lobbyists and those who put themselves in harm's way to try to deflect some of the ill will. it's in making someone else go "hmm. i hadn't thought of it that way" or "maybe i should do a bit more reading on this" or "i don't understand." it all sounds cheesy, but it's a vision of democracy and the hope that we'll get there... even if it's sllloooowwwwllllyyy.

Comments-[ comments.]
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
 
oh--i forgot another happy event: my car radio now works, thanks to mellie! woo hoo!
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maybe someday i'll make it into the "blogs of note" section on blogger.com. that's a silly aspiration, maybe--i and the world would be better served by some other lofty goal... and i don't feel like i write in this teeny little space for any reason other than to get things down... but it would be neat. no illusions of grandeur here, though.

we're only four hours away from the 8pm est deadline bushie set for saddam. what happens then?

i am sitting and waiting. and i am deeply ashamed of this administration. deeply ashamed at what is associated with the word "american" these days.

and what about "my" america? what do i want america to be?

i have a vision of a place where true diversity is not simply achieved but respected. where each individual truly starts life on equal footing with every other individual and not simply paid scant lip service. where politicians are known and respected worldwide for acting as a mouthpiece for the people and not for particular corporations, wealthy individuals, and other limited interests. where dialogue is not simply encouraged but actively engaged, even incited, by public figures who disagree respectfully with "the way things are." key words of my america include: integrity, respect, equality, honesty, diversity, and engagement. my america is not: oppressive, ignorant, war-mongering, neglectful, abusive, hostile, unequal, or deceitful. since language is so important, let the former set of words represent my hope and vision for this country, and let the latter represent my disgust and anger at what i feel i know we have become.

it's now 4:20pm (no, i don't mean anything by that, but it simply happens to be the time i looked over at the clock.)

what does it mean that an american activist was recently bulldozed in the gaza strip? in my eyes, it means three things:
1. that one way to utilize the power with which americans are born in the service of peace is to place yourself bodily in strategic locations. your presence there will, at the very least, not allow actions to proceed unquestioned
2. that the loss of this particular type of american life is more newsworthy than, say, the loss of other types of lives--the lives of poor americans, for example, who die in what are deemed "unremarkable" circumstances, or the lives of thousands, even millions of palestinians and israelis who have died in this so-called "conflict."
3. that the palestinian/israeli "conflict" is far from a clear-cut, right/wrong issue. all "sides" have been gravely wronged throughout history; and israel has the big guns these days. i have a queasy feeling that these disputes will not be resolved for a very, very, very long time.

happy news... let's see. springtime is approaching. i have a house and food and now three kitties. it's almost time to leave work. and i'm still holding out that i'll appear in the "blogs of note" section someday.


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Tuesday, March 18, 2003
 
"here we go, yo
here we go, yo
so what's so what's so what's the scenario"
--A Tribe Called Quest, _Scenario_

i've been listening to npr again, "all things considered," about the impending war. desperate.

it's like
the marble is poised at the top of the chute
the boulder at the edge of the cliff
the world at a precipice
and i'm waiting to hear
the giant crashing sound

and now there's a report on a case that has been overturned by the supreme court, 8 to 1--anti-choice activists who chained themselves to a clinic to keep it closed were charged with racketeering, which has reportedly dampened the anti-abortion movement... but the recent ruling has "re-invigorated" such activists.

so many people trying to squish a round world into a square hole. it isn't going to fit.

i've been reading ann's copy of Reasonable Creatures: Essays on Women and Feminism by Katha Pollitt (best known for her articles in The Nation), and i think she wrote it best:
"Moralists, including some who are pro-choice, like to say that abortion isn't or shouldn't be a method of birth control. But that's just what abortion is--a bloody, clumsy method of birth control. Those who find abortion immoral have a duty to come forward with other solutions to the unwanted-pregnancy problem. But where are the pro-life voices shouting for increased funding for contraceptive research, sex education and true universal access to family planning? It is the movement's lack of enthusiasm for a birth-control crusade--even the non-Catholics don't campaign for contraception in a way you'd notice--that reveals the pro-life cause as more about shoring up Victorian sexual values than about stopping abortion...
The fact is, when your back is against the wall of unwanted pregnancy, it doesn't matter whether or not you think the fetus is a person. That's why, in this country, Roman Catholic women, who are less likely to use effective birth control, have a higher abortion rate than Jews or Protestants. Women do what they need to do in order to lead reasonable lives, and they always have. Nowadays, a reasonable life does not include shotgun weddings, or dropping out of school, or embracing the minimum wage for life. Still less does it include bearing a baby for strangers to adopt, as George Bush [Senior] blithely suggests..." (Katha Pollitt, "Children of Choice." (1988) Reasonable Creatures: Essays on Women and Feminism New York: Vintage Books, 1995. pp. 14-15)

and although i disagree almost totally with Creed's politics, some lyrics are running through my head:
"i feel angry, i feel helpless
wanna change the world, yeah
i feel violent, i feel alone
don't try to change my mind, no"
--Creed, "One"

all of it makes me want to curl up with my new kitty on the couch and give her little reassuring pats and tell her little new-kitty lies like, "it's all going to be ok."

breathe in
breathe out

what strikes me is the dichotomy that's about to erupt
although it's ever-present
prob'ly a bad thing that i've noticed it mostly
when there's so much hype from all sides
i, too, am a product
this generation
see
what i mean is

1. we're about to start a war
2. and here i am all cozy

i fear that
to put it into perspective is
to trivialize it
but it goes on every day
every
goddamned
day

blinking consists of two simple steps:
1. close eyes
2. open eyes
anyone can do it

and, shortly, another pile of people
will be added to those who've completed this routine for the last time
i wonder
when they lose their lives
which step will be their last
step 1
or step 2?

i take it for granted that i can

breathe in
breathe out

wrong wrong wrong wrong
sounding like a bell
how could the Right
be so wrong?

mel & i met a fellow the other night who seemed perfectly nice until he told us that he's a republican. and, ok ok, i don't really give a flying poop what words you use to label yourself, but, before i can take you seriously, i need to know:
are you committed to making everyone in the world equal?
and by "everyone" i mean "everyone," including, but not limited to (and none of these categories are mutually exclusive): people of color, women, third world people, queer folk/LGBTQAs, working-class people, disabled folk, older and younger folk, and other systematically marginalized populations?
and by "equal" i mean: treated as fellow human beings?

we all need to come clean about what we really think. not so that we can simply "confess" and have our sins magically resolved, and not so that we become mired in the oh-so-liberal guilt, but so that we can talk about where we're at and why and how we can move forward.

i'm sorry that i'm all over the place. it's never as simple as WAR vs. PEACE; LEFT vs. RIGHT; RIGHT vs. WRONG... perhaps one of the most obvious example of this fact is illustrated by the "Israeli-Palestinian conflict."

Kitchen has been sleeping on the couch about a half a foot away from me, and she just stood up, stretched, inched toward me, and plopped herself down next to my leg.

aw.

it's going to be ok, baby.




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i started m'new little temp jobbie today... and i'll have to beg your pardon because i'm a little hopped up on coffee right now. i needed something chemical to wipe out my brain after this morning.

maybe i should write a play about industrial parks.

[lights rise on a set of three gray cubicles, open sides facing stage front. computers are nestled in the rear right corners of each of the cubicles, and two office workers--Kerri and Jerri--are seated at rolling office chairs in the left and right cubicles with their back to the audience, busily typing away at their machines. Kerri and Jerri are both white adults in their early 30's and both are dressed in "office casual" clothes, Kerri in a skirt and shirt and Jerri in khakis and a polo shirt. the center cubicle is empty except for the computer and a chair. simultaneously, Jerri and Kerri pick up the phone and dial a number. the telephone buzzes at at each desk.]

Kerri and Jerri [overly saccharine]: UseYou Corporation, this is [Jerri, Kerri], how may i help you? Hi, [Jerri, Kerri], this is [Kerri, Jerri]! Hey, listen, i have a question. Do you know where the [Smithwell, Wellsmith] accounts are filed? I think they're in the black filing cabinet near Merri's desk in Lobby B. Mm-kay? Thanks, hon! Caf in five? Ok! Buh-bye!

********

ok, ok, maybe i'll write more on this later... i'm tempted to write a play about a person who doesn't identify with either gender (there are no neat, confined labels for such people yet--"trans" doesn't quite fit) entering this work environment and causing it to self-destruct. in the end, i'd like most of the employees to organize and revolt, literally tossing out the CEO and transforming the corporation into a worker-owned joint where each employee has an equal share/say and 30-hour workweeks are declared with mandatory parental leave and potluck lunches and on-site daycare staffed by all of the workers and... and...

but it's eerie, how painfully cliched it all is, the place where i'm working. it puts me in sociology mode right quick. hierarchies of class, race, and gender seem particularly evident and lie just below a very, very thin veneer of insincere civility, fake smiles, and half-hearted greetings. and, of course, not everyone is "like this." for example, there seemed to my eyes to be quite a few queer folk working in this place, probably many of whom are closeted. i only say that because i made the mistake of mentioning the fact that i'm volunteering for a queer youth service organization, and my supervisor did a double-take and said, in hushed tones, "what did you say?" and, of course, i repeated myself "an organization that services queer youth--you know, gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans..." and she was utterly shocked that the word "queer" is an ok word to use. i don't think she's a bad person, and i'm actually glad she asked me what i said because i explained that the word "queer" has, in the past, been an epithet but (i feel) may be used in a respectful way as a way to talk about LGBTQA communities... i didn't go into detail about the level of politicization the word implies and the notion of re-claiming, but i wonder if she'll be thinking about that...

she seemed rather uncomfortable with the whole conversation, though. i forget that the entire world isn't queer friendly or even queer aware. i don't think she likes me very much, now. maybe i was too bold. d'oh!

i'm just a little too wacky for this type of work. and i thought i blended in pretty well. but i made a promise to myself this morning as i was driving to work in silence (because mel & i tried to install a new radio in my car yesterday and ended up blowing a fuse). the promise was to not negotiate my politics, my identity, and my sense of self-respect in any way in this new job. why should i have to?

i guess the answer to that question is: because i need to pay the bills. what other options to i have right now? and why am i even whining about this--at least i have a job and have maintained my integrity as a person to some extent.

my brain is buzzing a little because of the caffeine. too much coffee. it's amazing, though, what you think about when you're driving in enforced silence. i started singing to myself, and the first line i sang this morning was:

"don't it always seem to go
that you don't know what you've got til it's gone..."

which came from the counting crows cover of the joni mitchell song that's been stuck in my head for the past day or so. sortof funny, that--since i was particularly missing my radio this morning.

but i was riding along in the left of two lanes on 295, taking roads through portland to avoid paying the fifty cent toll on 95, singing to myself and scowling at the tailgaters--today, all white people, several men and one woman, and all between 25 and 60 years old. thinking about how insane it is that i'm driving 45 minutes to a job i'll only be working for about twelve hours a week, but also thinking that i'm lucky to have a job at all, on top of my other 20-hour-a-week gig.

but whatever. enough about me. i guess i do have some positive things to say about my workplace:

they've recently re-painted the cafeteria a bright orange-leaning coral color, and i'm sure there are some very nice people who work there. everyone just seems so... false. like a thick layer of makeup had been applied directly to my eyeballs. like each individual is surrounded by a warm cottony cocoon of personal issues, he-said-she-said, gossip-whispered-behind-hands, drama-of-the-day, tasteless and insipid jokes, bragging-about-family, vacation stories, too-brief discussions about world affairs composed almost entirely of sound bytes... it's a pretty rigid system. i think of folks as walking around with their souls encased in the very same padding that composes the walls of the cubicles themselves--that thin, spongey stuff that's covered by a colorless synthetic fabric, often gray or speckled with a few generic colors like teal and mauve to give the illusion of "color!"

i could go on for days. and i shall.
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Monday, March 17, 2003
 
we got a new Kitchen!

by which i mean, of course, we have acquired a new little kitten whom we've named "Kitchen" or "Kitch-y," as we are wont to call her. heh heh. get it? "kitschy?" heh. i love language.

she's completely black with amber eyes, is four months old, and is bumbling around like she doesn't quite know what to do with her legs as of yet. pictures to come on my website, at some point...

awwww CUUUTTEEE!

i'm a complete sucker for a few things. Alison Bechdel and Alison Bechdel wanna-bes are one, and kitties with personalities are another. sure, it's cliched--the whole lesbian couple with cats thing--but if you knew our kitties, you'd feel the same way. i swear.


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Thursday, March 13, 2003
 
and here goes my bodily integrity, as the ban on "some of the safest and most common abortion procedures" (according to Gloria Feldt of Planned Parenthood) is about to be enacted.


this makes me ill.


Here's some more info from Planned Parenthood.
Here's even more from NARAL.
And, for those skeptics, here's info from:

the American Medical Association and

the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists
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on the one hand: go me!

on the other: yuck!

what i mean is: yay, i just acquired another part-time job to supplement my other meager part-time job income. which means i'll be able to pay my bills for the time being.

but the job i'll be working is at an industrial company in westbrook, south of here and, incidentally, where i was born. it's clerk-y, file-y stuff--pretty standard; pretty boring--for at least 8 weeks. and i got the job through a temp agency.

there's something about the whole temp agency aesthetic that really creeps me out. something about the whole uber-generic, ill 80's sexual harassment and workplace ergonomics video-showing, cubicle-me-or-die feeling that pervades the air and the attitudes of temp agency employees.

but, in these crummy economic times, i guess i should be relieved to have enough job-age to pay the bills.

but there's more to it than that... more later.
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Wednesday, March 12, 2003
 
when i was a younger person, i used to ride on the big scary yellow bus to school--like, i would venture, most school-attending young people in this country. i was also an enormous fan of a film (and, subsequently, a book) titled _the neverending story_, the book part of which was written by a fellow named (rather ironically) michael ende. these two facts--the bus-riding and my love of the movie/book--combined in my head to produce the following scenario:

i am riding on the bus, staring out the window and allowing my eyes to flick across the gray trees, gray lawns, and gray houses that compose my suburban hometown. i notice that, among the (surprise!) gray clouds, a small speck of flashy white is appearing and flipping and rolling toward the bus. being the only fan of TNS on the bus, of course, i quickly realize that the brilliant speck is none other than falkor, the luckdragon about whom ende writes in his book and who appears in the movie as a scaly white animal with a puppy dog face (not at all what i imagine ende had in mind, but anyway...). i inspect the rectangular bus windows, noting that, if i pinch the metal tops of the one next to me and slide it all of the way down, i can just fit through the empty window-space (note: it was strictly forbidden for us to stick any portion of our bodies out of these windows. just the thought of squeezing the whole of our corps out into the forbidden, fast-moving space beyond was, in my mind, rather rebellious.).

i allow my eyes to follow the speck as it enlarges to the relative size of a pencil, then a ruler, then a person, then a whole tree. within moments, falkor in his enormity has arrived at the side of my bus, and the glint of his "ruby-red" eyeball only inches from my face indicates to me that it's *my* turn to shock my friends and the bullies who mock everyone. i'll show them.

at this point, my fellow schoolmates have noticed the gargantuan floating creature beside the bus and are busy screaming and scurrying to the other side of the vehicle. for some reason, i picture the bus driver as being totally oblivious to these unusual goings-on, as she continues to drive the regular route to school. feeling particularly brave and in-the-know, i seize the corners of the window above me, slide it down with a clack, and step with my squeaky sneakers on the green vinyl seat, launching myself out of the moving vehicle and onto falkor's alternately furry-scaly back.

go me!

i whisper to falkor that i would like to fly away, away--far from the concrete-and-paint-smelling corridors of my school, from the waxy wooden floors of the gym, from the ground-down pencils with ever-breaking tips, from the worksheets and the workbooks and the all-around busywork, from the taunting voices of my classmates (who seem to know only how to tell the truth as meanly as possible) and the scary demands of my teachers--from everything i so vehemently loathed and misunderstood in my childhood. and i flew away.

sadly, the bus eventually arrived at the front door of my school. i remember blinking, sighing, and plowing down the stairs and into the halls.

these days, the halls of an elementary school sound a bit screechier, squeakier to me. somehow, the voices of elementary schoolers didn't sound so high-pitched to me at the time--probably because i was one of them. but i still occasionally daydream about flying away...

like today, when i passed through part of the library to which my workplace office area is attached. i scanned the titles of the books--much more grown-up and (harumph) analytical and serious than mr. ende's classic--and thought that maybe i could squeeze myself between the pages of one of them, hiding among the words and images of a world not-my-own. after all, there must have been some fictional land there in which i would want to be a citizen. some book in which i would want to reside for just a little while, as my co-workers scratched their heads and mused at my empty desk.

and i should have flown away.

these days, i just sigh and shake my head at myself and return to my desk. the fantasies are, indeed, a little less vivid. but i'm glad that, at least, they're still there.
Comments-[ comments.]
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
 
a right to freedom?

freedom fries

a right to justice?

delma banks

a right to health?

insurance

where am i?
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i've been doing a bit of background research for a grant for which bo-bo's women's resource center is applying. it's a department of justice/ office of justice programs/ office on violence against women grant, details of which, if you're interested, are available in pdf form here and in txt form here.

anyhow, of course, i've been thinking about the history of what is termed "sexual misconduct"--more specifically "sexual harassment and assault"--at bo-bo, and i ran across this article, published in last year's april 12th issue of bo-bo's student-run "oldest continuously published college weekly in the United States," the Orient. to pique your interest, it's titled "It's time for the men at Bowdoin to step up" and is written by a fellow named Conor Williams ('05). rock on, man.
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yay! mellie started a weblog!


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Monday, March 10, 2003
 
theme for the day: self care.

if there's one thing i've learned from being at bo-bo (well, it may not be a *major* thing, but it's up there), it's that folks need to take care of themselves. how this happens varies widely in terms of content and scope, but... i feel like if everyone did a little check-in with themselves each day, it wouldn't get to the sui/homicidal point. sortof like a staff meeting with yourself.

here's how my staff meeting with me went today:
so, self, how're things going?

foul.

why?

a few small reasons and a few large ones.

small reasons first:
i can't find a part-time job to save my life.
mellie's less happy with her job than she could be, and she's worried about the possibility that we might be moving in the relatively near future.
i watched mulholland drive last night, and it made me feel yucky.

larger reasons:
where am i going in life? i'm not even qualified to find a simple part-time job--what up with that? what have i spent the last four years of my life doing?
the world's going to hell in a handbasket, you know?
i'm not entirely happy with who i am/have become. but what else is new?
old friends are just so... heavy. so heavy.
i'm running a little low on funds, and the tidal wave of student loans hasn't even hit.
i'm feelin' that general malcontent with things that hits me every once in a while and makes me want to sleep really late and skip work. which i haven't done yet, but i fear that i'll fall into that mode.

mm-hmm. well, things could be worse, right?

certainly. but things are generally crummy right now.

so, i guess the question becomes: how do you scrub the scum from the inside of your brain and get on with livin'?

i need to get more exercise.

is that it?? that's your solution???

well, have you got a better idea?

no.

well, fine, then.

fine.

.......

honestly, i just have to surf out some of these wavy times. they'll pass, and i'll be floating along again. i'm used to the cycle of me by now. and some of it, i can't do anything about. but the general ishy feeling?

i used to talk to this nice counselor at bo-bo--i only met with him a couple of times, really--and he said something that made me think a little (and i've heard it echoed a few times since by other folks). he said that i need to show some kindness and caring toward myself and that i don't do enough of that. well, that's ok, but here's the problem:

where do you draw the line between taking care of yourself and wallowing in self-pity?

at this point, i feel like i sortof know what i need. i'm in a foul mood, and i need a little bit of a break from work and from my non-work life. like, more than just an hour. i need a whole day, even a day and a night, for a little vacation of some kind. that's not going to happen for a few weeks, at the least. but i need that time. i know this about myself.

so, maybe i'll start there. and try to get a little more exercise. and see what happens.

***staff meeting ends***

back to work.
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Like ann fabulously articulated, i do think there are several interesting pieces to the whole health/beauty discussion: there's the not-to-be-underrated appearance piece and there's the not-to-be-ignored health piece, both of which are emphasized by various money-making bodies for (i would argue) primarily money-making purposes. ok, ok, yes, i know that there are many who truly have the interests of all humans at heart, but the voices who seem to be most heard arise from folks looking to make a buck by offering their solution.

and speaking of solutions, i TOTALLY agree with ann's proposed solutions... sadly, neither she nor i are in a position to enforce them to any great extent.

in any case, yeah! what ann said! the paradigm of "health & beauty" is largely constructed along the lines of classism, sexism, and (i would add) racism (don't even get me started on hair care products). coming to bo-bo was an interesting clarification of these (particularly the classism) points, as the number of hours spent in the gym or feet-hitting-pavement seemed to almost directly correspond to family income--at least, at the outset of my college experience. you quickly learn that *everyone* works out at the gym or "runs," and you're the odd one out if you don't do these things because you need to work extra hours to pay your regular bills, etc. etc.

however, i do want to emphasize, as ann did, that there is some nugget of truth in this whole argument--that is, that, indeed, health is very much an issue. i *do* feel better when i get off my butt and do something physical; i would venture that some of the mental/psych "disorders" at which doctors only seem to be throwing pills these days might be remedied, or at least alleviated, by a few more hours a week simply spent outside, walking around a bit, not even "running" or "working out." however, to make "real" health (and i put "real" in "" because there's much more discussion to be had here as to what counts as "real") a priority indeed requires a vast re-organization of the way we currently live.

so: how do we start small? more thinking to do here...
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Friday, March 07, 2003
 
i'm sick of the guilt, of the competition. ann, i know what you're saying.

it's absolutely stupid that we (and, here, i'm speaking for pretty much all women i know; it's dangerous to do this but, in the parlance of IM-ers, WTF) feel like we need to be constantly "keeping up with the jones-ettes," as the case may be, in terms of our physical appearance. jesus, why can't we all just be a-ok with how we look? why must every step of a run and every lift of a weight and every crunch of a muscle be about getting slimmer, i.e. "better as a human woman?" (and by the way, i was seriously addressing that last question to jesus h. himself, because i don't have any god damned idea who else to ask.)

but, ann, i hear what you're saying. it makes me feel physically better to exercise on a regular basis--this is true. but it also makes me feel (confession time!) *morally superior* to my non-workin'out self in some ways because i'm being a *better woman* (i.e. working toward looking better) than i used to be. !?! since when is physical appearance linked to levels of moral achievement? oh yeah, since time was invented.

jesus.

and, even with all of my "education" and feminism, i still haven't learned perhaps the most important aspect of "the movement": how to work together with other women to combat the oppressions that bind us, rather that compete with each other for...

for what?

aye, there's the rub. what the bloody hell are we competing for, anyway?

perhaps the most obvious answer is "men," but that don't cut it for me, largely because there are lesbians, myself included, who feel the same pressures as straight women.

it has to do with public acknowledgement of me as a woman. it has to do with privilege, because looking a certain way (what's deemed "pretty" or "beautiful" or "sexy" by today's [primarily western] standards) is, without question, a privilege that affords those who fit those standards certain advantages. certain benefits of the doubt. certain free or reduced-cost items, like beers and speeding tickets and (holy shit!) JOBS.

yes! women who are deemed "prettier" get more JOBS than their less lucky counterparts. because that's all it is, in the end: luck. or a lot of money. because no amount of out-working can squeeze a 5'2'' woman into a 5'10'' frame, and, without those lucky genes, we can't fit ourselves into size zeros (zero? i often wonder if folks who wear size zero actually exist, since their clothes don't seem to, according to the sizing) unless we steadily kill ourselves.

BLKAISOIGHDAPOSIDHGPSDIOH!

i'm sure i'll rant more in the future. hang in, there, fuzzy.
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Thursday, March 06, 2003
 
i'm currently listening to marketplace on npr, and they recently finished reporting on intended tv news coverage of the impending war in iraq--check out the marketplace archives, if you get a chance. it was a great report, albeit scary...

"if the monkey gets caught skipping out on work, he gets no fruit juice..." is a quote from marketplace right now...


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i just noticed on the blogger homepage that they have a new feature (for folks who actually spend the money to purchase their blog space, i'd imagine) called AudioBlog whereby fortunate souls may call from their phones to some central number and what they say will be posted in their blog as an mp3. which would solve the little problem i mentioned earlier about singing my little tune. except that i don't want to spend money on this thing.

i made the mistake of poking around in other folks' blogs--in particular, in the blogs listed as being newly-posted on the blogger home page (yeah, i need to find other places to poke around)--and the ones across which i ran made me either a) sad (due to the hopelessness and inevitable loneliness individual blogs exude) 2. pissed off (due to their objectionable [e.g. sexist, racist, heterosexist, homophobic, or otherwise -ist] content) or iii. underwhelmed. not that i claim to be writing earth-shattering or intensely interesting content in my own little space, of course. my intent in writing this blog is twofold: 1. to provide an outlet for myself to rant to myself about things that only seem to matter to myself; 2. to provide a slightly easier way to communicate with the all-of two friends and/or family who actually read what i post, compared to individual e-mails to each and every one of them. i guess i have no illusions about the importance of what i write. that's the way it goes. but reading about people i don't know complaining about pretty much anything and everything without providing any kind of alternative or, for that matter, analysis makes me... sad. as if there is nothing in the world more important than where you're going to be partying this weekend, the size of Britney Spears' hooters, and how much *everything* sucks (despite the notion that the mere *fact* that we have access to a computer long enough to post to a blog is an indicator of our wealth, relative to the rest of the world). i'm one of them, though. another sheep in the fold.

baaa.

so, where does this leave me?

typin' away at my little comput-y, waiting for the clock to hit 5 so that i may go home and work on finding an additional job, and being hyper-aware of my spot at the relative top of the economic totem pole, even with my single half-time job.
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"Problems, problems, pro-o-o-o-blems
They're all on account-a my lovin' you
like I do-o-o-o-o"
--the Everly Brothers, Problems

every time i get a little mired in the whole "JEEZ i spent four friggin' YEARS at a DAMNED elitist institution, coming out with a piece of PAPER and thousands and thousands of dollars in LOANS, and i can't even find a freakin' JOB that pays me enough to make ends MEET" thing, i think about how lucky i am to just be able to have food and shelter and a car. especially the car part, these days. i was walking around campus, grumbling at the oversized, overpriced, gas-chugging, environment-trashing SUVs and sleek little $40K beemers and various pepsters of the VW ilk, when i thought to myself:

HEY you dolt. most people in the world have trouble feeding their families and their selves and making sure housing is solid and warm, never MIND being able to cart around in a little self-contained box like YOU. so quit bitchin.

which sortof stopped me short. it's true. i'm lucky to be able to live the life that i live, me with my occasional coffees and rice-in-a-box and DVD rentals from the local rental place (and NOT, can i just say? NOT the Movie Gallery chain store in the area. don't get me started. Greg and Bart's is so much nicer on so many levels).... like i was saying. i'm lucky to be where i'm at. and i may be having a tough time finding a job to pay my most basic bills (and my loans haven't even kicked in yet... ), but, eventually, i'll work it out.

i'm much more worried about my cute little partner, who's having a hard time herself. i think she takes these battles more to heart than i do, and i just worrie that she does what she must to take care of herself. so i'm trying not to lay too much on her these days... but it's a little hard. oh well.

it's cloudy, which is comforting and woolly, on the one hand. on the other, the fact that it is cloudy and just a bit on the chilly side (although not frigid, thank whatever deities are out there) is making me feel rather raw, like the ice/sand/salt combination that has frozen on the road several times over has been rubbing against my skin.

i've been singing a little tune in my head, the lyrics of which are as follows:
i wanna go home
home
home
i wanna go home

which is how i feel when i'm at work. it's a little hard to get the tune expressed in a blog, but, trust me, it sounds better when it's sung. once i get more proficient in this web-by web web stuff, maybe i can get someone with a better voice to sing it for me, and i'll post it somewhere on my website.
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Wednesday, March 05, 2003
 
something that has been kicking around on e-mail, from David McReynolds, Socialist Party USA candidate for president in 2000:

" If I've had few thoughts to contribute to the host of lists I'm on-mainly relaying info as it comes in, as opposed to making points of my own - it is because "everything has been said that needs to be said". To a great extent we are all convinced. Most of the email I get is a matter of preaching to the converted. (I do hope people are sending some of this material on to relatives and friends).

But in the last week several developments lead me to feel there is, possibly, an advantage to being older. It may give one a certain perspective.

For one thing, the situation really is as dangerous as most of us think it is. Not only is the group around Bush pushing for war against Iraq, but it has failed, in ways that can prove catastrophic, to deal with North Korea through direct diplomacy. (While I am deeply opposed to the "nuclearization" of North Korea and the Korean peninsula, the Bush Administration's record in this situation has actually, I think, caused the crisis and hope of a resolution does not lie with North Korea as much as with the US).

There is reason to hope the situation can be turned around. What Bush and his people have done (with deplorable help from the media) is to sell us on the idea that war is a done deal. The latest shift by Bush this past week, that even if Iraq disarms it isn't enough, that Saddam must leave, shows the world that the issue of disarming Iraq was only a fig leaf, that the real objective is the power of Washington to dictate regime change at will, and to secure control over oil resources in the Gulf.

The war is NOT a done deal - though a week from now it may be. It will be hard at this point for Bush to pull back, but it is still possible. (Nothing would be more contemptible than to sacrifice Iraqi and American lives simply because Bush might lose face if he pulled back). Bush could declare that he has achieved his goals, that he had sought to disarm Saddam of his weapons of mass destruction, that this is being done, the inspectors are achieving their goal, and that all of this was achieved because of his resolve. And then pull back.

It would be seen in the rest of the world as Bush backing down, but many Americans would accept his explanation. And Bush (and the US) stands to lose far more if the peace isn't kept.

On the one hand we see an Administration hell bent on having its war, raising the demands steadily so that Iraq can't meet them, showing a remarkable willingness not only to distort truth but to lie (we all know by now that there is no Iraqi nuclear weapons program, and there are no ties between Iraq and Al Queda). But, on the other hand, lets list the positive developments in the past month.

The Pope has gone so far as to call for Catholics to fast for peace in Iraq. He has been clearer on his opposition to this war than on almost any occasion I can recall. Yesterday the report came that he was sending his personal representative to Washington in a final appeal to Bush.

The demonstrations around the world on February 15th exceeded anything I can recall in my 73 years. They were a profound influence on the policies of the governments of Great Britain (where 121 Labour MP's stunned Blair by voting in opposition), of Spain (where a leading government official urged Bush to silence Rumsfeld, of Germany (where the Foreign Minister was so furious at Rumsfeld at a recent meeting that he broke into English to say no one could understand the US case for war), to the Arab states where, despite their dislike of Saddam, they have stood fast against support for the war, of Turkey, which shocked Washington by blocking deployment of US troops, and even to the Security Council, where it now seems the US may be unable to muster a majority of votes for a second resolution or, if it can coerce a majority, the resolution may be veoted. On top of all this, the AFL-CIO has come out against the war. Summing these things all up, we have a badly rattled Administration.

If Bush fails to get a second Security Council resolution it may prove impossible for Blair to take Great Britain into the war. In that case the "coalition of the willing" would end up being the US, Eastern Europe, Israel, and a very shaky Spain and Italy (overwhelming majorities of all of these countries, except for Israel, sharply oppose the war).

Bush continues to say he will, if necessary, go it alone. And of course, the rationale for the war has now shifted from charges that Iraq threatens the peace, to charges that Iraq is run by a tyrant who must be overthrown - and this shift in rationale has deeply alarmed almost every other nation, because if there was a shred of reason to support Bush when he was saying Iraq was a threat to peace, there is profound hesitation in supporting Bush when it comes to letting Washington decide which national leaders should be displaced simply because they offend Bush's moral sense. In this situation, the courageous resignation of a top US diplomat in Greece because of the Bush war drive suggests something of the tensions within the establishment. Yesterday came the news that the former Secretary of State, Madeline Albright, urged that Bush stick with inspections. The New York Times yesterday had a strong editorial deploring the haste to go to war.

The rush to war has become a kind of madness. Never I seen a world so intent on stopping a single nation as it is today on blocking Bush. The old enemies - Germany and Russia, China and Japan - are united in trying to prevent this blood bath.

In addition there is the domestic factor of our being in the midst of a severe recession which hints at turning into a depression. If Bush hadn't made Iraq the main story, the economic bad news would be the leading item.

It is not only the outrage of his tax bill, which proposes more tax cuts for the rich, it is the extremely difficult problem of all state governments which are losing tax revenues because of the recession, and must cut social programs. What can be cut? Schools? Prisons? Medical care? Hospitals? Fire and police? Housing?

Bush's loss of support from labor, the hesitation (and in some cases open opposition) from sectors of the establishment media, such as the New York Times, all have undercut Bush's ability to push ahead to war.

Two other things have happened, which seem new to me. First, because Bush has waited so long to begin the war, he has also given time for those opposing the war to rebut the Bush case. It is almost as if the Vietnam peace movement was compressed in time and took place prior to the Vietnam War! Thus Bush now confronts a very strong opposition to the war. Much of this is quite openly expressed, in signs in shop windows, sometimes subtly (yesterday as I passed one shop that specialized in art prints I saw it featured in the window two of Picasso's famous peace doves). The editorial cartoonists have been there long before the editorial writers, mocking the efforts at national security (duct tape indeed!) and the war.

Finally, I sense in the flood of email something new - a sense of humor about Bush. A President who is not only dropping in ratings, but becoming a joke.

In the event that he does go to war it is not likely to result in a sudden national unity but rather a deepening of the opposition. And, of course, under the Charter of the United Nations, if Bush leads the US into war, he will be guilty of a war crime, as will every member of his cabinet.

What can be done in the next ten days to two weeks?

First, obviously, continue to pressure members of Congress. All members of the House of Representatives face elections in November of next year. A third of the Senate will be up for election. Personal letters make a difference. Second, continue letters to the press - they count. Third, where possible, when the media has been giving distorted views, try to meet with the newspaper or radio or TV managers. (Yesterday I heard of people going to the Metropolitan Museum here in New York with paper and pencil to stand in front of art works from Iraq, drawing them - when asked what they were doing, they are saying "these are things Bush will soon destroy forever - we want to make copies now").

But we need also to escalate our actions. I understand there is a plan for a demonstration in Washington on March 15th. That is fine, but I think it would be more important to consider responsible civil disobedience, not "the day after" but "the day before". Not to protest a war that has begun, but to prevent a war from beginning.

Remembering always that the police are not our enemy, not the target for our anger, that our protests need to be responsible, peaceful, and compassionate, they need to take place at military bases, government buildings, Congressional offices, etc.

There is a wonderful and spontaneous ability of people to act without central direction. It is over a year before we can go to the ballot and vote against the political leaders who have been silent or complicit. But we can "vote with our bodies" this week and next. Vote early, vote often. The war is not inevitable.

David McReynolds
New York City"


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Tuesday, March 04, 2003
 
a friend of mine posted a statement to an e-mai listserv with which i'm deeply offended. she said:

"The war has nothing to do with gay and lesbian issues. It may involve gays and lesbians, but that is peripheral."

my response to the list was:

"i just wanted to echo something [a different student--not the friend mentioned above] said: indeed, issues of sexuality are deeply related to issues of war, structures, power, and violence from the level of the individual on up to the level of societies. it has to do with the history of the queer movement and with the way oppression functions--not singularly, against individual groups of people (against queer people over here, poor people over there, third world people over there, women over there, people of color over there...) but in multiple ways that maintain the taken-for-granted power structure ("the way things are"). i know i'm rambling a bit, but it's important to articulate the ways in which identities aren't just about individual people. i think that the issue of this resolution highlights a deeper divide in contemporary queer communities and groups: one between queer community members who feel that one's sexual identity or sexuality is purely an individual decision and not at all linked to broader, more (small-p) political issues and those who feel that sexual identity is very strongly connected to structures of power and domination and thus inherently political. i place myself in the latter camp (duh).

as for the resolution, i'm abstaining from expressing my opinion on this one, largely because i'm no longer a student at Bowdoin. however, i do still consider myself a member of the queer community on campus and felt a need to respond to [name withheld]'s assertion that war and gay and lesbian issues aren't connected.

also, i wanted to pass on a link to an article written by Leslie Feinberg about LGBT groups that have taken an anti-war stance.

: )
in thoughtfulness--
clare"

note: the student government at my alma-mater-turned-workplace is considering an anti-war resolution written by a student-led anti-war coalition and signed by over 900 students (that's well over 1/2 of the school, not bad for a dinky liberal arts-y white male upper class-y institution like bo-bo). it's been voted down once and is up for consideration again today. it's the first time i've seen students so galvanized--on all sides of the camp--since, like, forever. go activist/organizing students!
Comments-[ comments.]
Monday, March 03, 2003
 
i KNEW patrick stewart was a god. here's why.
Comments-[ comments.]
 
nervous
like a maine vanity plate
NERVS
sometimes i feel like things are teetering on the brink.
we in this country are all riding a wobbly unicycle on a high wire above the impending plunge into war.
and our only safety net is being rendered obsolete by those whose heads won't be the ones cracked open by the fall.

it's classist to fight this war.
here's how:
percentage-wise, how many wealthy kids do you know signing up to join whatever branch of the military because it's a good economic option? percentage-wise, how many poorer kids?
percentage-wise, who will get placed on the front lines, do you think?
i challenge folks to prove me wrong on this. because i know i'm right.


"and all i know is that those who are going to be killed
aren't those that preside on capitol hill
i tell him, 'don't fill the frontlines of their war
those assholes aren't worth dying for'"--ani difranco, "Roll With It"


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